Confession

I'm itching for another one.

Itching like a jar of bugs has been poured down my back.

Thoughts of two(!) pop into my head, and I quickly shoo them away.

"We can't afford another one, yet."
"The first one JUST started to sleep through the night..."
"Could you imagine 2 sick kids at the same time?!"
"We don't have the space!"
"I'm just getting back in shape after the first!"
"Remember how tough pregnancy was?"

But the bugs are as resilient as the thoughts.

"Imagine J with a little sister, protecting her, teaching her about clouds and chocolate..."
"Imagine a little brother, the two of them neck deep in mud..."
"You can see them both running into your room on Christmas, can't you?"

"Can't you imagine it?"

"Can't you?"

Dammit, I can.

And my heart aches for someone who doesn't even exist.