Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dreading and Looking Forward to...

A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about having to go back to work. Mostly moms who've "been there, done that, got the t-shirt". I think some of them ask to see a bit of themselves, way back when, in my response, just as I do when I ask a pregnant friend how they're feeling, or a new mom how things are going...

I feel so torn in my response to that question.

On one hand, I feel excited. Like the past 10 months have been my summer vacation, and in September I'm going back to school. I'm going to get some fresh shiny new shoes, and get my hair cut, and see the people I haven't seen FOREVER. And we'll talk about eachother, and the teachers, and we'll do our work, and have a schedule, and eat lunch together. And then I'll go home and tell my family, over dinner, how my day was, and go to bed and dream about everything.

And I feel relieved. I'll be on a schedule again. MY OWN schedule. And I won't have to chase after the baby, or change diapers RIGHT after they're filled because they smell SO GROSS and HOW THE HELL do you make such DISGUSTING smells, kid?!?! I'll be able to eat a leisurely lunch, and sleep on the train, and read books, and converse with adults ALL DAY.

But then I'm SO dreading it, at the same time. I'll be so far away from J. And he'll reach milestones that I'll have to hear about second-hand. It's like a huge part of me will be missing for a good part of the day, I'll be only half a person. No more little one attached to my hip, flirting with strangers and giggling and breathing his soft little breaths on my neck. When I FINALLY get home and finally get to play with him, it'll be bedtime, and he'll be cranky and rubbing his eyes, and I'll only get to see him as he sleeps, or when he wakes in the night to be held and fed.

And working is no fun. I remember arguing with co-workers, stinky lunches being eaten THISFARAWAY from me, scrambling to meet deadlines, and FILING. God how I hate filing. Sort these papers out, then put them in envelopes, then stuff them in a cabinet, then take the old ones out of the cabinet, then put the old ones into boxes, then stuff the boxes under your desk. Rinse, repeat. YUK.

So yeah... That's how I feel. It couldn't be more complicated. Let's just say I'm going to enjoy the HELL out of the next 2 months.

Wait, one and a half months. *sigh*

1 comment:

  1. babes I cant say that I know how you are feeling but it sounds like all that is going on in your head and heart is just what it should be.

    my mom went back to work only 6 months after i was born and again the same with dave. i am sure that nothing about that was easy for her but at the end of the day it was what was needed to be done for the best of the family and weekends are all yours for the taking. Jimmy will miss you but he will also get one-on-one time with Dad and he will NEVER ever begrudge or resent you for going back to the office. you will have spent the last 12 months bonding and playing and teaching him things that can never be replaced or replicated.

    and photos and video may not make up for milestones and first missed but at least they will be there to forever commerate the moments, so in years to come you can reshare those times togeather ... i dont think either of my parents were there for my first word but that dosent make it any less special to them ... and they tell that friggen story all the time ... my first word was HI!