Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Dreading and Looking Forward to...
A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about having to go back to work. Mostly moms who've "been there, done that, got the t-shirt". I think some of them ask to see a bit of themselves, way back when, in my response, just as I do when I ask a pregnant friend how they're feeling, or a new mom how things are going...
I feel so torn in my response to that question.
On one hand, I feel excited. Like the past 10 months have been my summer vacation, and in September I'm going back to school. I'm going to get some fresh shiny new shoes, and get my hair cut, and see the people I haven't seen FOREVER. And we'll talk about eachother, and the teachers, and we'll do our work, and have a schedule, and eat lunch together. And then I'll go home and tell my family, over dinner, how my day was, and go to bed and dream about everything.
And I feel relieved. I'll be on a schedule again. MY OWN schedule. And I won't have to chase after the baby, or change diapers RIGHT after they're filled because they smell SO GROSS and HOW THE HELL do you make such DISGUSTING smells, kid?!?! I'll be able to eat a leisurely lunch, and sleep on the train, and read books, and converse with adults ALL DAY.
But then I'm SO dreading it, at the same time. I'll be so far away from J. And he'll reach milestones that I'll have to hear about second-hand. It's like a huge part of me will be missing for a good part of the day, I'll be only half a person. No more little one attached to my hip, flirting with strangers and giggling and breathing his soft little breaths on my neck. When I FINALLY get home and finally get to play with him, it'll be bedtime, and he'll be cranky and rubbing his eyes, and I'll only get to see him as he sleeps, or when he wakes in the night to be held and fed.
And working is no fun. I remember arguing with co-workers, stinky lunches being eaten THISFARAWAY from me, scrambling to meet deadlines, and FILING. God how I hate filing. Sort these papers out, then put them in envelopes, then stuff them in a cabinet, then take the old ones out of the cabinet, then put the old ones into boxes, then stuff the boxes under your desk. Rinse, repeat. YUK.
So yeah... That's how I feel. It couldn't be more complicated. Let's just say I'm going to enjoy the HELL out of the next 2 months.
Wait, one and a half months. *sigh*